Clomid Rage...it is Real!!!

Let me set the scene...it was September 10th, my birthday.  I was on my second round of IUI.  If anyone knows me, you know that I love my birthday.  Not because it is about me or celebrating me...but it is a day I usually get to spend talking to family and friends on phone and/or doing a fun dinner with friends from all different circles in one space.

But like everything else, i.e. holidays and celebrations, during my infertility journey, my birthday was no exception.  I was in the middle of taking Clomid and I am sure my nurse told me the side effects, but I have no recollection of them.  I woke up on the morning of September 10th MAD.

My sweet husband put out birthday decorations, had a nice card, and a present. And, I wanted NOTHING to do with that.  He asked me to open my presents which he had went and picked out some costume jewelry.  Then, my BIG present was tickets to So You Think You Can Dance for me and a friend.

Was I excited because I LOVE SYTYCD and dancing in general?  Was I thankful that my husband went to a retail store to try to pick out fun jewelry...way out of his comfort zone?  Was I appreciative that my husband was so thoughtful and doing everything he could to make my day special?

NO....NO...and a BIG NO!!!

How dare he buy me costume jewelry?  How dare he not ask me my calendar before buying tickets? In my head...I was like, "Stop being crazy, Nancy.  You are being a terrible, awful brat."   But, I could not stop complaining and crying.  I locked myself in my room for the rest of the day and would not take anyone's calls.

Poor Jeff had no idea what to do.

As night drew near, I told Jeff to cancel our dinner reservations.  I was annoyed also because he picked Italian.  "Of course, he picked Italian.  It was HIS favorite.  He is so selfish."   Even though, it was one of my favorite places in Dallas.

A couple of hours later after he canceled, I got really angry.  How dare he cancel our plans?  Doesn't he know me? Of course, I want to go to dinner.  It's my birthday. Why is he not insisting we go?

I got dressed for dinner and walked out to him on the couch.  I asked him why he was not dressed.  Stunned, he got dressed.  He asked where I wanted to go, and I told him to figure it out himself.  And, of course, I said no to every suggestion.  We literally just drove and I was giving no direction.  And, guess where we ended up...where he originally had reservations.

By an act of God we got seated on the patio of this super busy, cozy, romantic restaurant in Uptown. It should have brought me to my senses, right?!?  No...we sat in silence.  I refused to speak to Jeff.  I did not say ONE, SINGLE word to him.

Not one word on the drive home, and I slept upstairs.

I woke up the next morning and the fog had literally passed and I really felt like the day before was a terrible dream.  How could I be so awful?  Now, I was happy and felt clear headed.  I ran downstairs, and Jeff had no idea to respond to me.  I gave him a HUGE hug and profusely apologized.  Jeff and I looked up the side effects for Clomid: depression, anxiety, mood swings, and irritability.  They call it the "Clomid Crazies".

I felt completely and uncontrollably crazy that day.  I felt like I had no control over my emotions.  Maybe if I had known that Clomid could cause me to wake up a complete monster, I could have recognized it and controlled it. I had a couple of moments of realizing I was acting awful, but I could not snap out of it.

Thankfully, Jeff forgave me for that day, and now we laugh about it now.  He refers to it as the "crazy train that nobody could get off of".  So...if you find yourself taking Clomid, just know you may experience some Clomid Rage. It is a real thing.  But, realize this is the medication and not you! Warn your husband and family and friends...for their safety and/or sanity!

"You better hide yo kids, and hide yo wife".

#fertility #infertility #IUI #baby #Clomid #pregnant #pregnancy #IVF #hormones


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